Apostle of Epistles pt. 1

I watched a gripping film recently that some of you who subscribe (but never comment except in email!) may have seen titled We Need to Talk About Kevin.  I noticed on the menu list that there was contained within, an interview with the author of the  novel about which the book was written.  With a desire for eager consumption, my daughter and I selected this option.  We were to be grievously injured by it. Not only did this detestable (in my opinion from 30 seconds of an interview) woman seem to have a narrow view of motherhood, postpartum depression, and mental illnesses in children, but she also opened her mouth and vomited all over the epistolary novel!

I had intended to read it, as everyone who spends more than 5 minutes in serious conversation with me knows that the portion of air I breathe that is not my children belongs to Les Liaisons Dangereuses and the subsequent movies it spawned.

However, the author, with her spewing verbiage on camera, turned me off. She stated her book was tested to some readers and it was suggested that she make it a series of letters so she simply "stuck Dear" at the beginning of each chapter and " Love," at the end. "And there you have it. An epistolary."

To write an effective epistolary, one must needs employ such a thing as talent, rather than the childish idea that letters begin with Dear and end with Love.  Epistolaries, likewise, need not be completed with letters.  Epistolaries may rely upon only what one is told in a series of legal documents discovered in the briefcase of a dead man.  An epistolary may tell its story through the eyes, and diary,  of a young girl, hiding for her life in the middle of a deadly crusade against her people.  Furthermore, an epistolary's story may unfold through newspaper articles, the importance of which may increase to the reader as the page number in the publication decreases and becomes a very vocal portion of the story itself!  And the writer of the epistolary novel must have eloquence that may be ignored in typical modes of conveying stories to readers.

So, I have decided to come up with a list of epistolary novels that will get you on your feet if you decide to check out this unique and exciting form of literature.  And this time, tell me which ones you like, or reasons you don't like them!

Historical Fiction

1.  Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos
2.  Dracula by Bram Stoker
3.  Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
4.  I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
5.  Clarissa, or The History of a Young Lady by Samuel Richardson
6.  Poor Folk by Dostoyevski
7.  The Ides of March by Thornton Wilder

For Young People

1.  Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney
2.  Go Ask Alice by Beatrice Sparks
3.  The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
4.  The Pox Party by M. T. Anderson
5.  Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
6.  Don't You Dare Read This, Mrs. Dunphrey by Margaret Peterson Haddix
7.  Kathleen, Please Come Home by Scott O'dell

Contemporary

1.  Bridget Jones' Diary by Helen Fielding
2.  Diary: A Novel by Chuck Palahniuk
3.  Fan Mail by Ronald Munson
4.  The Pale Horse by Agatha Christie
5.  The Documents in the Case by Dorothy L. Sayers
6.  The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
7.  Overqualified by Joey Comeau

Thirst by Andrei Gelasimov

Nope, it isn't a vampire story. Well, not in the traditional sense.  Although there is much consuming, burning, and living in darkness.

Thirst is a short novel from Russian author Andrei Gelasimov. In 2001, Andrei self-published a story A Tender Age on the Internet and instantly became one of the most beloved Russian literary figures of modern day.

In a nutshell and on the surface, Thirst is a story that we've seen many times.  A young war veteran returns home changed, physically and emotionally, only to find that life has gone on without him.  Haunted and without the psychological tools to adjust, he goes through the motions, never really analyzing how he got where he is and how to become part of the world again.

Interspersed with flashbacks of his childhood, his time in the war, the rebel attack that leaves him scarred, the story tells of Konstantin's life and the few people with whom he feels a tenuous connection.  Along with two other young men who were in the war with him, our hero leaves the safety of his solitude to search for a missing friend, the man who pulled them all out of the burning APV, leaving Konstantin for last, to burn the longest.

But symbolically, it is something more.

Konstantin, better known as Kostya, is the one with this thirst.  But it isn't just a thirst.  It's a thirst. With all the drinks around, he never seems quenched.  This is because he doesn't even know that he's thirsty.

The story opens with Kostya drowning in a mountain of vodka bottles, seals unbroken, so numerous that they cannot all fit into the fridge, or into the kitchen, taking up the windowsill and the dirty clothes hamper.  Wallowing in his solitude, Kostya continues with his life.  The reader gets the feeling that he has come to grips with his appearance, which is never described.  What he has not come to terms with is his life before the fire.

And then the quest.

Isn't there always a quest in the best stories? A quest for a ring, a quest for a chalice. The prize is not always the most important part of the journey.  Sometimes it's the getting there.

Seryoga is missing.  Seryoga, the young soldier who pulled the company from the burning vehicle, who took them all to safety, but left Kostya for last.

Genka and Pashka have arrived in the midst of Kostya's disarray to take him on a journey to find Seryoga whose apartment has been taken over by disreputable homeless people with whom Seryoga had associated.  Despite having Pashka and Genka, who had become quite successful (even driving American SUVs) after the war, Seryoga remains on a path of destruction. Money slips through his fingers like water.  His associations are less than desirable.  Even Kostya has found a measure of success, although it is not as lucrative financially or emotionally as Pashka's and Genka's. Could Seryoga's haphazard drift through life be a reenactment of that haphazard trip from the safety of cover, across the bombed streets of Chechnya, to pull out his wounded brothers? Only this time, Seryoga is leaving himself behind, not Kostya. Leaving himself to burn in the wasteland of Moscow.

And into that wasteland Genka and Pashka drag Kostya to search for the man who let Kostya burn.

No reason or trace can be found of their fellow.  But along the way, Kostya is forced to deal with the father he has not seen in twenty years.  This great, looming man-behind-the-curtain who abandoned Kostya and his mother for a younger woman, who became the father to two new children that he never was to Kostya.  And that father finds that he must come to terms with Kostya or lose him forever.

And back on the road, following clues, asking questions, running into ghosts of the past, always with the wicked shadow of Chechnya clouding out the sky.

Always, Kostya looks at the passing world from behind the mask of the war, the face the fire gave him, and the protective glass of the SUV, an almost magical war tank itself, large and expensive and part of a world that is removed from him.

 Despite the water that has been prevalent in his life, Kostya has never been cleansed.  Not from the ocean, not from the melting snow, or the flood of vodka that begins in his apartment and carries him to Moscow.  And where was all this water, all this liquid that permeates the story, when Kostya was burning?

A man without a face.  But it wasn't stripped away just by the fire.  It was taken by his father's betrayal, his mother's love of a man who was less than fatherly to young Kostya and her eventual drifting away from him.  One could not be a man if he didn't have a face.  Different men made different faces as they drank their vodka.  They all made different faces at each of the women they looked upon.  And Pashka and Genka, who drifted in and out of Kostya's life as if with the tide, consuming not only their own vodka but the vodka that Kostya has bought for himself?  They carried with them the memory of Kostya's face before the fire, a face that Kostya has even forgotten he had.

With many quests, the hard-won treasure can be disappointing, can show up so easily after a difficult journey that it leaves the knight bewildered and exhausted.  The Great and Powerful Wizard can turn out to be an old man, just as lost and just as much on a quest for home as the haggard band of comrades who find him.

And often, like that little girl from Kansas, what the hero is searching for all that time could end up being right under his nose.  Or in the mirror.

Pontypool's Secret PULP Origins! (Pulp Fiction Part 4)

I intended to address fans of the tantalizingly written novel, but if you've just seen the movie, that works, too.  Most of us were rendered speechless in 2008 with the release of the movie Pontypool, set in the town of the same name in Canada, wherein a zombie-like virus envelopes a county, spreading through the bacterium of words. However, unbeknownst to some, a novel preceded the movie.

The movie Pontypool took one chapter late in the novel and centered around it and the limited connection with the towns surrounding that were falling rapidly into chaos.  Even more unbeknownst to move fans,( and to me until a friend bestowed upon me the short story written by H.P. Lovecraft's cohort Henry Kuttner in 1943) Mr. Tony Burgess, author of Pontypool, most likely did not have divine inspiration when he came up with his tale of semantic terror.

Enter Mr. Henry Kuttner, pulp terrorist. He deserves a post all his own, so I will not go into detail about him now. However, his story is another story.

Nothing But Gingerbread Left.

In the story, a professor and one of his grad students are having a discussion while the professor's teenage son sits in the background muttering a silly schoolyard sing-song rhyme that gets stuck in their heads.  At the forefront of their minds is the war in Europe and the spread of Hitler's propaganda.  Both scholars, who are German-as-a-second-language speakers, devise a scheme wherein they will use the pattern, rhythm, and particularities of the German language to write a nonsensical verse, say it for a group of German prisoners of war, and analyze the results.

Results, to whit, that are the undoubted origins of Mr. Burgess' Pontypool novel.

The link below provides a skip over to the short story in whole. There are some annoying errors in format, but these are easily ignored, for the most part.  The story is very short, 15 or 20 minute read for us logophiles, 5 or 10 for everyone else. If you have to ask why it takes some of us longer, then praise the lord that you are not damned to read blissful words and phrases three or four times, then call up a friend and read them aloud for as long as the friend will tolerate it.

               Henry Kuttner's Nothing But Gingerbread Left (1943)

Opinions? Comparisons? Curses?

Bugs Bunny: Master Logophile?

With confidence, the suave woodland creature exits his home and strolls across the plain armed only with a quick wit and a business card. You've seen the exchange. You know its verbiage by heart. But do you truly understand?

You may ask yourself how on earth a gray rabbit could be more intelligent than 98% of the human beings who walk to and fro upon the earth.  You may answer yourself with the following.  "I heard...but I did not comprehend!"


When Bugs Bunny traipses across his front lawn to meet his new neighbor, the ever-starved Wile E. Coyote, Supergenius, he is accompanied by a most keen awareness of the English language.  He raps upon the door with the back of his knuckles, the way only the debonair can accomplish.  "Are you in, Genius?" he calls out.  With a lift of one carefully coiffed eyebrow, he treads the path that only the great have tread before.  "Are you in, Capable?" Which leads him further down the winding trail of acidic wit, wherein he loses the pause and dives straight in for the kill.  "Are you insolent? Are you indescribable?"

So let me follow this wild hare and pose to you the question of, if a cartoon bunny can understand basic elementary prefixes, why not great authors and speakers across the English-speaking world?

I will start at the beginning.  We have all read, and many of us (myself excluded, of course)have used, the word "ingenious." I've heard ejaculations such as "That is an ingenious invention!" on television commercials.  I've read in otherwise praiseworthy novels "He was a foe of ingenious wickedness."  I have heard people say of coworkers "He is rather ingenious" and I've wanted to say in return, "Possibly, but you most assuredly are!"

I will get to the point.

Definition:  in-
A prefix meaning "the opposite of"

Definition: incapable-the opposite of capable
Definition: indescribable-without words or meaning to provide description
Definition: inept-the opposite of adept

Waiting for it...
Waiting for it...
You see where I'm going, don't you?

Definition: ingenious-the opposite of genius.  Or it should be.  Right?

Everything about the word screams opposite of genius!
Sadly, one of my major hang-ups in wordage leaves me very dissatisfied.

Ingenious should follow the same path that Bugs began.  But it does not! It makes me want to scream!!

Ingenious, frustratingly enough, is not a word that uses "in" as a prefix. It comes from the Latin word ingeniousus which means "intellectual or talented." While genius and ingenious seem to negate each other when spoken, notice the difference in spelling, for one thing.  Also note that ingeniousus has also been spelled engenious. This is the root word for "engine." But this does not give satisfaction, either, as the "en" in engenious is not a prefix.  The prefix "en" is added to verbs to make them nouns, as in "engulf."

So, all this logophilia frustration builds into anger and a sense of betrayal by one of the master speakers of the childhood years of budding word-lovers everywhere! Did Bugs spit in the face of our desire for a perfect and orgasmic language? Did he thumb his cute wittle nose at our starving spirits seeking satiation in the musicality of words?

I believe not.

While Bugs was making what seemed a very concise link between words, which turned out to be grievously incorrect, what he was actually doing was making a quick-witted pun on the linkage and aural play of word usage and custom.  He did not betray us, beloved logophiles! He taunted our rigidity, forced a crack in the surface of our polished veneer, and drove us to question him, ourselves, and our destiny as feeders at the trough of linguistics.

The most important lesson an intelligent person or beast can learn is to make light of themselves. As followers of Mr. Bunny know, he is quite a logophile and possessed of an awareness of what lies beneath the surface of those around him.  He did not misstep.  He led us into the darkness without a dictionary to light our way so that we may pioneer in ourselves an oasis in the desert. Take the knowledge that he imparted in the origin of words and use it to make your world a little brighter.  And know that Bugs Bunny will remain the common man's champion in the arena of the ingenious.

A Finite Number of Alternatives to "Countless"

Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Monday Mechanics. Well, actually it is the first episode. Or quite possibly the only episode. Only time will tell! So stick with me while I pull up my well-used and much-loved soapbox.

One word more than almost any other will turn my stomach and make me rethink my decision to read a particular book, article, or correspondence: Countless. It is in many of my favorite books and stories. It exists four times in the first 1,500 pages of the Game of Thrones. Lestat uses it to describe things in The Vampire Lestat and I’m fairly certain that Louis used it a few times in the preceding Vampire Chronicle. It is akin to the misuse of the pronoun “I” in my list of words that make my skin crawl.

Here’s why.

For one thing, nothing is countless. If it is a substance that can be numbered, it can be counted. You may not be able to count that high, but someone can. You may have to go to work and take a break from counting flowers on the wall. You may lose your place while counting the stars. But they can be counted. Take my word for it. It would take a concerted and well-choreographed effort between scientists across the universe, but it could be done.

Having said that, is there anything wrong with the word countless? Not really, I say hesitantly. Other than it feels rather sloppy and rushed. Each word counts. Each word provides an opportunity to nourish the starving, offer a branch to the reader plummeting over a crevasse of mass-market verbiage. Don’t let those moments zip passed!

And if you are counting them, they are “numbers”, by the way, not “amounts.” Amounts are measured. Rod Stewart had the right of it when he said “My love for you is immeasurable, my respect for you immense.” And Javert used restraint when he implied that the stars, while we do not know how many they are, still have a number, though they are “scarce to be counted.”

So, should you find yourself tempted by the word countless, borrow one of these options instead, depending on the way you are planning to use it. Okay, so a couple of these may have been used only by Clark Ashton Smith or H.P. Lovecraft, but what can ya do? I’m a sucker for arcane language.

• Vast
• Many
• Unnumbered
• Abundant
• Untold
• Endless
• Seemingly infinite
• Multitudinous
• Numerous
• Uncounted
• Myriad
• Uncalculated
• Astronomical
• Massive
• Bounteous
• Legions
• Eternal
• Boundless
• Immeasurable
• Incomprehensible
• Scarce to be counted (or numbered)
• Extensive
• Without end
• Numberless
• Immense
• Limitless
• Googol
• Incalculable
• Incognizable
• Unknowable

They Call Me Mellow Giallo (AKA PULP FICTION Part 3!)

We all live in a giallo submarine, giallo submarine, gi--oh...hey! I didn't see you there.

Yep, it's that time again! PULP FICTION time!

So, what's this giallo stuff I'm talking about? Glad you asked! Now, I'm not here to give a dissertation on the meaning and reason of giallo literature and movies. I know most of you are smarter than you look. I'm not going to compare and contrast one director with another. I just want some of the hundreds of people a week who read my post on Marble Hornets to get a taste of something different. And as you know, I've been writing here and there on pulp fiction.

While we were over here in America dreaming of the jungles with Tarzan and Britain was fighting communism with Bulldog Drummond, Italy was producing its own pulp fiction (though a lot of it consisted of translation into Italian of English-language mystery and crime novels) on fairly cheap stock with yellow (giallo) covers.  And just the same way that the chicken follows the egg, the giallo book gave birth to the giallo movie.

I will interject that to Italians, giallo means something different than it does to Americans. We would not, for instance, look at film and consider Psycho anything but a high-quality masterpiece of American cinema. So I won't go there. I'll talk about giallo movies from this neck of the woods.

So, if you're an American, what does an Italian giallo have in store for you?

 Dario Argento's Opera 1987

Damsals, sans braziers. They may scream, they may plead for help in badly dubbed and overdubbed English and it may seem to take them HOURS to die, but they will do it clothed in flimsy lingerie, plunging necklines, or startlingl and unsettling slashes of light.

Mario Bava's The Girl Who Knew Too Much 1963

Music, sometimes known as noise.  Of course we all know that Italy is proud of its opera. And music in a giallo is essential. So most giallo films will scorch your ears off with the sounds of opera, classical, heavy metal, or in the case of Bird With the Crystal Plumage, what-the-heck-is-that-racket.  And there are times when the music plays such an important part that it takes on an actual role in the film. Check out Dario Argento's Opera for some brilliant use of ear-splitting metal when you least expect it (well, until after the first kill).

The killer. You probably won't see him, but his scenes are extended.  The murder scenes are the longest scenes in the giallo film.  They usually get no more graphic than a gallon of 1970s scarlet paint splashed across a wall, a back, or a bed sheet, but they're long. And who is this killer? Only time will tell. All you'll know is that he is one of the men (or could it be a strong woman?) who may be sweet on the starlet or trying to solve the murders.  Did I mention that there is always a string of them? Murders, I mean.

Umberto Lenzi's Paranoia 1968

Paranoia.  And as we all know, just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Black gloves.  They're everywhere. Holding knives.  Reaching into coat pockets.  Snapping photographs. Pulling back curtains.  Who do they belong to? Why does everyone seem to be wearing them? Are they in this year?

Dario Argento's The Bird With the Crystal Plumage 1970



So, do these qualify as pulp, aside from the fact that the books were printed on cheap paper? Let's see what we have.  Crime? Check. A mystery? Check. Exploitation? Check!  Epic battles? Well, yes, in the form of the time-consuming murder scenes. Check! Exotic locales? Well, Check if you consider that you're American and have not likely been to the wilds of Italy where many take place. Heroic adventures? Check! Except the heroes and heroines may not see it as such. A bit more sleezy than we're used to, but pulp nonetheless.

Put all these things in a pot and mix them up and what spills out is a giallo, for better or worse. Mind you, these are not action movies or cop adventures.  That's a different story for a different time.  For now, if you're interested, and want to expand your pulp experience, take a look at some of these listed here and let me know how you like 'em.

Massimo Dallamano's What Have You Done to Solange? 1972 

Celebrating April with a Poop-Eating Grin!

As April's annual Hate Week is drawing to a close, I would like to offer you this moment to celebrate with reverence by observing the following video, which, incidentally, I find less full of hatred than the average newscast I am forced to witness on my twice-daily trips to the break room from Monday through Friday.

It's strange what people think is important enough to name a day for and what they find to be a cause to celebrate. There is almost nothing left to petition as a holiday.  And just how does one celebrate some of these days? Some are easy. April is National Kite Month.  That's a no-brainer. It is also Orthodox Holy Week. But if you just can't get enough out of the month by forsaking meat on Fridays and dying hard boiled eggs, I present to you other days and ways to honor the month of April.  (Also for those who shy away from actual physical activity that would be required in assisting a kite to mount the wind.) In other words, here is a list of films to help you beat the doldrums and get in the mood for springtime frolic and fun!

International Cesarean Awareness Month Rather than post graphic photos of my cesarean scars, I suggest an evening of fun-filled romping with the lovely Ms. Dahl.  No stitches required. (A l'interieur, AKA Inside [2007])

National Farm Animals Day,  which falls on April 10th, should be celebrated with a viewing of the beloved musical from Belgium, Calvaire (The Ordeal), from 2004.

 And don't forget International Louie Louie Day, which falls on April 11th.

And a topic that should be through the lips and over the gums of all concerned citizens, Global Child Nutrition Month.



And for those more adventurous partiers out there who want to be a part of the action, rather than sit docile on their rumps, celebrate Boomer Bonus Day with a marathon game of Fallout: New Vegas!

This list has been brought to you in part by Irritable Bowel Awareness Month and this guy:

8 Ways You Can Be a Nonconformist and Renew Your Love for Vampires

Do you cringe when you see vampires (other than a certain muscle-bound, black Daywalker) strutting around in daylight? Are you tired of seeing airbrushed posters of angsty teenaged vampires who would never dream of killing humans? Does your thirst for blood take you time and again to the movie theatre, where the only terror on the screen is a scene of a vampire wedding?

These are MONSTERS! They aren't supposed to go to high school proms or get their wives pregnant.  They don't love you.  They don't wish you loved them.  They don't invite you over for cake.  They hunt you down and eat you and don't give a passing thought to the fact that you might be cute in a pair of boots.

Are you afraid to even whisper the word vampire for fear that someone will take you for a Twihard? Are you cowering in shame because you knew what that phrase meant when you read it? Are you old enough to remember thinking that Rick Springfield was the worst thing that could happen to the vampire genre?

Fear, no more! Lift up your copies of Bram Stoker and repel the adolescent and adolescent wanna-bes.  Take back your genre and unleash the real meaning of being undead! Below are 8 titles that will renew your faith in the end of humanity as we know it and have you donning your garlic necklaces once more!

Climb under the covers, kiddos, for here there be monsters!

1.  S.P. Somtow's Vampire Junction - Before Justin Beiber.  Before a 10 year old Kirsten Dunst played a 5 year old vampire.  There was Timmy Valentine.  Timmy was a rock idol who would send the Twilight crowd crying for their mommies.  Festering with the power of 2000 years and a Jungian psychiatrist, Timmy is the true monstrosity that we all long for from days of old.  And the book is not lacking in sensuality.  I read this sometime in the early '80s and fortunately still have my original copy (though a bit worse for wear) because it has become very pricey on Amazon at about $14 for a paperback. There is a sequel, Vanitas, that I cannot vouch for, but as it was written prior to the influx of paranormal romance novels, I'd be willing to bet it's worth a shot.

2.  The original I...Vampire - J. M. DeMatteis' comic featured in House of Mystery from 1981 to 1983.  This was a comic that I devoured as a young child.  I could not wait to get  my hands on each issue. It was the story of Lord  Andrew Bennett who, after being made a vampire in the 1500s, turned his lover Mary into a vampire.  Mary, bless her heart, did what any self-respecting monster would do in such a situation.  She promptly titled herself Mary Queen of Blood, left Andrew, and formed an army of vampires called The Blood Red Moon. Lord Andrew chases Mary throughout time, rescuing people from her clutches, trying to destroy The Blood Red Moon, and leaving little tidbits that would later fester into Edward Cullen (though I seriously doubt THAT author has ever heard of Lord Andrew Bennett!) If you are unable to find a copy of these originals, I understand that DC has resurrected the series recently.

3.  Mr. Vampire (Hong Kong, 1985) - The Mr. Vampire series features Chinese hopping vampires.  Lots of humor and horror rolled into one can wipe away the glitter residue from  your evil little heart.  Three men, whose job it is to be keepers of the vampires, are stalked, teased, and tormented by ghosts and all manner of the undead while one of them is slowly changing into a vampire himself.  No scowling emo lip biters here! These vampires are UGLY. We're talking Nosferatu level ugliness. Grab you a pound of rice for protection and pop this in when  your Team Edward friends come over.  They won't know what bit them!




4.  The Passage (2011) - Justin Cronin's epic novel takes a monstrous look at the undead like no one has taken in decades.  Slightly in the future, the government has been doing super secret studies with a virus discovered in the jungle.  Like everything the government does, the studies go bad and hell is unleashed on earth.  Or at least in North America.  Spanning hundreds of years, Justin's creatures will make you double check the locks on the windows before you go to bed at night.  These aren't the kind of vamps you want to be taking home to Mama.  These are grotesque former death row inmates with a hive mind out to devour the living at all costs.  Bill Compton, they ain't. And there is a 2nd installment of this very wordy piece coming out in the fall of this year! Intelligent, well-written, and populated with vivid, realistic characters.

5. The Vampire Tapestry - Suzy McKee Charnas' anthropology professor was not your average vampire. Equipped with a stinger rather than fangs, he cultivated a lifestyle that allowed him to become so complacent that he fell into the hands of humans more monstrous than he. Murderous ladies and psychotic satanists threaten the existence of this biological mutation.  I read this book decades ago and only just recalled it to memory.  That happens when you have several centuries to claw through for tidbits of the past.  Unforgettable little read. It's even available on Kindle now!

6.  The Vampire: the Masquerade Clan Novels - No, I don't mean for you to go off and read the Clan Books with all their statistics and attributes and disciplines.  But some of the 20 or so novels, including the 13 Clan Novels, were very entertaining.  Limited romance, a LOT of war, politics out the wazoo because we all know how scary that can be, and blood blood, gallons of the stuff! The 13 main clans are represented with a novel for each, and there are others as well, telling the story of the World of Darkness for those of you who remember LARPing with fondness and still eagerly pour over your clan books to see how you could have sneaked a Baali into that Camerilla city in your tabletop game back in 1995. Yeah, I know, I lost some readers about now.  Pay no attention to the woman behind the keyboard!

7. Cassidy in the Preacher comics -  Despite the name, Garth Ennis' 75-issue Preacher comic contains not a single redeemable character.  From the irreverently named Arseface (a boy who was the victim of a failed suicidal shotgun blast to the face) to the resident vampire, this comic is guaranteed to make you nauseous, hysterical, and ashamed of the human race in dizzying cycles. Cassidy is a swaggering, whiskey-drinking Irish vampire who pals around with the possessed Jesse and his floozy girlfriend Tulip. There is also another treat buried in the comic series: The Saint of Killers.  Look 'em both up.

8. The Hunger - Whitley Strieber's tale of Miriam Blaylock, immortal, and her aging husband, portrayed titillatingly by David Bowie in the movie version, is full of that stuff we were wanting to avoid: romance. However, it is nonetheless intriguing, well written, and mature.  Do not mix up the sort of pre-pubescent posing and bellyaching with the aching desire to not be alone in a world that changes around you while you remain the same.  Check it out, then go watch the movie for Mr. Bowie and the music video of Bela Lugosi's Dead.




So, there you have it, folks.  8 tried and true methods for you to worship the darkness and all that exist within it without looking like a pathetic old woman trying to be a teenager again.  Love the night.  Drink the blood.  Be proud of who you are, as you were before you ever heard the term paranormal romance!

The Les Miserables Philosophy of Tabletop Gaming

It is an age old tale of the line drawn between right and wrong and the gray areas in between, if they exist at all. I'm talking about the struggle between players and Game Masters, of course.  Although the analogy fits for Les Miserables as well.  There are as many types of Game Masters, Dungeon Masters, and Story Tellers as there are characters in everyone's favorite French Revolution masterpiece.  Perhaps you know someone who fits these descriptions, or even see yourself in them.  If not, then maybe you'll want to go out and watch a Broadway play or read a classic novel after reading this.  Or maybe you'll just want to go steal a loaf of bread.

1.  The Jean Valjean-The Jean Valjean school of GMing is probably the most popular.  This game master has good intentions.  He knows the rules and sets out to follow them staunchly. However, he has a soft heart.  He can't say no to a sultry little elf who doesn't quite have the comeliness to seduce an ancient map from a dungeon sentry.  He will bend the rules here and there and sees no wrong in it.  He is also the story teller who will let the party take a little bit longer to lose all their SAN than the numbers show.  This type of game mastering can be fun and help a blundering party of poor dice rollers play a little bit longer before they're eaten by a giant bugbear.  However, hidden within his group may be the NEXT type of gamer who will toss his pack to the ground and disrupt the fun for everyone.

2.  The Javert-The Javert philosophy of dungeon mastering is the bane of existence for the Jean Valjeans.  Javerts, the 2nd most common game master, is also known as the Rules Lawyer.  He does not bend.  He has every Dungeon Master handbook that has come onto the market since 1982 and he can flip to the page that correspond to any argument you may try to bring up.  He has every Vampire the Masquerade clanbook since 1st Edition and do NOT bring up the new stuff to him.  He is a purist and you will not get him to allow your Assamite to know three dots of Vicissitude no matter how you try to justify it! He follows your cultist through time and space and if you so much as THINK of stealing a loaf of bread, he is on you like a Tzimisce at a Sabbat Ball.

3.  The Fantine-Yes, this is the girl GM, of which I've been, although I've been more of a Javert than a Fantine.  She may be cute, but  mostly she is a GIRL who is GAMING! and we know where that might lead.  You've come down off the high of defeating a cave of giant spiders.  Everyone's laughing, sharing stories, pointing out war wounds.  And then the dreaded words..."I'd like to run the next campaign." Several pairs of male eyes dart together, rolling mental dice to figure out how to get out of this.  The group loses 4 points of SAN. There's a trapdoor in the corner through which they could escape, but who knows where it might lead.  There is the slim chance that Fantine might wear that nearly see-through top to one of the gaming sessions.  And if you say "No" she might whine like she did to Jean Valjean that time when she wanted him to go to the innkeeper and take her little snotty nosed brat and raise it.

4.  The Marius Pontmercy-Marius is perhaps more of a bane to the existence of gamers than Fantine.  Marius is head over heels with Fantine (or the other girl in the group who plays but has no designs on being a GM).  When thieves ransack the campsite in the night, any female in the group miraculously has nothing of her own stolen.  When a superhero group of Champions is fighting a rampaging robot taller than the tallest city skyscraper, the girl always saves the day.  And in the end, there is Marius with his eyes glittering behind his glasses, drool on his bottom lip, hoping that THIS time she'll realize he did this all for HER! Luckily, there is usually a stalwart Javert in the group who can squelch this lovelorn young man faster than you can say 24601.

5.  The M. Thenardier and Grp-Yes.  Them.  Fortunately, this pack usually lurks in larger gaming groups.  Unfortunately, this makes them harder to weed out.  M. Thenardier has a bit of all of the above in him and appears at first to be jolly, goofy, everybody's bosom friend. But, behind every M. Thenardier is his Mme. Thenardier, who may or may not be female.  Mme. Thenardier floats amongst the gamers, laughs and talks and befriends them while M. Thenardier is doing his Game Mastering.  When everyone breaks for the bathroom, M. and Mme. Thenardier go to get more chips from the kitchen, at which time Mme. Thenardier drops all the secret plans and plots of the unsuspecting gamers right into the lap of M. Thenardier who is quick to devise ways to destroy players' hopes of having a favorable outcome.  But he cannot do this alone.  And he won't have to.  For, lurking in the depths of the gaming group, is a sweet little scamp known as Gavroche.  He probably knew the Thenardiers from before, in the last group they were kicked out of.  He is their henchman.  He takes the evil plans of the M. Thenardier and uses them to guide the group into the wicked clutches of the game master.  How? Because Gavroche and Mme. seem to always roll the best dice, always have the best powers, and have lady luck at their sides.  Before long, Fantine is stamping all over the heart of poor little Marius. Javert has Jean Valjean against the wall at the end of his blade.  And the character sheets are trampled like so much ticker tape in the dust of their feet.

So, about now that much hated Javert in your group is looking PR-ETTY good, eh? Turn your rules lawyer loose on occasion.  He'll sniff out those Thenardiers and break the will of the annoying Fantines.  I like to think that he brings balance to the force.

Pulp Heroes EXPLAINED!...John Carter, you're not so naughty now

The pulp magazines discussed previously (click here) were responsible for the sci-fi genre. Horror sci-fi, like H. P. Lovecraft, and planetary travel sci-fi, like Edgar Rice Burroughs, drew fans out of the serie noire (French crime) and the western pulps.  For novices, Edgar Rice Burroughs not only wrote something other than Tarzan,  he wrote something BETTER than Tarzan!

And now Disney is going to kiddify it! Horrified yet? You should be.

Pulp magazines were written to appeal to a more adult crowd than the comics of the same time period.  They were exploitative, bloody, scary, and full of steam! They depicted hard men, damsels in distress, and twisted criminals. Ever wonder what that family in The Thin Man was hiding behind their big fancy house and secret closet doors? Read the book! Same goes for A Princess of Mars. You'll be even more confused after watching Disney's John Carter, I'd wager.

Why?

I'll tell you!

John Carter is mysteriously immortal.  He has no idea how old he is.  One night after a strange ordeal in a cave, he finds himself pulled to the planet Mars where clothes are considered ugly and unnecessary.  Good thing he arrived there naked as the day he was born! The hulking, 15 feet tall green Martians that Burroughs describes? Disney has made into skinny, Avatar-esque creatures that wouldn't frighten the flea off a Thark's behind! And what of the beautiful Dejah Thoris, the red Martian princess that John Carter falls immediately in love with? Burroughs? Naked as a jay bird.  Disney? Wearing some silly costume only Earth girls would find appealing.

(Not to mention the description of one of the green Martian leaders could be describing Jabba the Hut, and the titles of some of the ranking Martians are suspiciously a predecessor to Jedi.)

The John Carter of Mars books, beginning with A Princess of Mars, are chock full of nakedness, gory battles, more distress than a damsel can shake a stick at, and epic adventure that could not possibly translate to Disney PG-13 (assuming it isn't going to be PG, I've been too scared to check).

When John Carter was first seen around 1918, I'm sure the nakedness of not only the bizarre green Martians, but more particularly of the hero and heroine and everyone in between, was rather shocking to a puritan America.  It is also one of the most strikingly different aspects of life on Mars.  Of course, they weren't depicted as such on the covers of the pulp magazines, but once you crack open the cover, there they were, displayed in all Edgar Rice Burroughs' beauteous descriptives.

There you are.  How can you tell that John Carter is a pulp hero? Exploitation. Damsel. Epic battles. Exotic locales. Heroic adventures. Check, check, check, check, and check.

We can expect none of the exploitation from the movie, I am certain. So, hop onto your Kindle and download A Princess of Mars for FREE, and see what all this pulp heroism is about!

Keep your eyes peeled for more PULP HEROES...EXPLAINED!

Filk U! The wonderful world of geek music!

"Hey, Glork! Haven't seen you since ComiCon 1998! Love the new ears.  You make them yourself?"

"Gee, Doff, thanks for noticing! HISlah, I did make them myself. Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!"  

"JIjah....I mean..." Glork begins to back away slowly.

"I'm just teasing you!" Doff claps Glork on the back jovially.  "Where are you off to next? Maybe I'll grab the wife and meet you there!"

Quizzically:  "Nugjatlh?"

"The...wife...spouse..."

"Oh...Well, I am going to see the folk music in Room 222."

"Folk music?" A rather rumpled program is retrieved from the waistband of rather snug uniform pants.  "I wondered if this was a typo.  It says 'Filk music...'"

Superior, snorting laughter.  "Indeed it does.  And yes, it is a typographical error.  But it sounds rather catchy, don't you think?"

***
Yes, those were actual words in the language of Klingon. No, I did not make them up.  Yes, you may now kiss my toes.

And that was a dramatized rendition of how the word "filk" came to mean sci-fi/fantasy-based folk music.  A typo in a convention program that was to define a genre and give meaning to many a wandering folk artist with an affinity for the weird.  Filk songs can be about anything near to the hearts of sci-fi fans: vampires, kitty cats, computer, dragons, Star Trek, Lovecraft, comics, etc.  If you happen to be a seasoned filker (someone who is a filk singer/songwriter) you may win a Pegasus Award at the Ohio Valley Filk Fest!

I invite you to plumb the depths of my favorite filk tunes.  So, grab your snake and your plumb bob and enjoy!

Oh, and Hab SoSlI' Quch! (But don't tell her I said so...)

1.  My ultimate favorite filk song does not have a Youtube entry, but you sometimes can find a version to listen to here.  Scroll to the bottom of the page for the lyrics. And all you New-Who fans can bask in the glory of the original Doctor! Cecilia Eng's Grandfather Clock.
It is a Dr. Who-based song using the tune of the old folk song My Grandfather's Clock.  This song defines filk in my humble opinion (see there, that's a good geek phrasing, eh?).

2.  As I am told by my own filk-sensei, Michael of the great frozen north, this next one is the most well-known filk song ever in the history of filkology.  The song won Leslie Fish (hmmm, suspiciously Lovecraftian name..) one of those much coveted Pegasus Awards in 2003. She, however, has stated that she wrote the song as a filler for an album and has regretted it ever since.  That's gratitude for ya! Here are her lyrics, and mind you, there are around a bizillion different versions, but I bring you the original! And for you visual types, the Star Trek version of the video!


3. You may skip the video on this one and just listen.  It is only a picture of Elrond superimposed against the Matrix code, and if you need that explained to you, you've come to the wrong place. Heather  Alexander: Freaking the Mundanes.  That tune is, of course, Waltzing Mathilda.


4.  And my personal favorite.  Also because no horror, filk, or ocean themed blog should be without it, The HP Lovecraft Historical Society's heartwarming, seasonal favorite, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishmen."  *Sniffle* May the joy of Dagon be with you this, and every season.



Now that you are armed with the Dr. Scott Refresher Course version of sci-fi music, I bid you to go forth upon the earth and filk!
****
Lyrics: Cecilia Eng-The Grandfather Clock
 Oh, a grandfather clock just appeared in the hall
and it seems very strange to be sure
And a man has come out of the clock in the hall
and is stating some things quite obscure
He seems mildly deranged and a little bit insane
we can make out his words if we try
He says he's the master and we'll obey,
or we all shall die.
So we did as he said after one of us was dead
shrunken down to a tiny toy doll
And we wake up in fright to hear laughter at night
from the man in the clock in the hall
Oh we don't understand all the orders and commands
why he wants to be king in the sky
But he is the master and we'll obey,
or we all shall die
Now a wooden blue box has appeared in the hall
just across from the grandfather clock
And a man has come out of the box in the hall
and his clothes are a bit of a shock
He seems mildly deranged and a little bit insane
and he holds out a featherless hand
He says he's The Doctor and how are we
as he shakes my hand
Now the man in the clock has stepped into the hall
and is holding The Doctor by force
And they talk as we work, like old friends now estranged
as the project continues on course
They seem mildly deranged and a little bit insane
as they talk of strange worlds in the sky
but the master orders and we obey
or we all shall die
Now a darkness and cold has come into our hall
it seems things have gone terribly sour
for the man from the box and the man from the clock
are both trying to cut off the power
as the darkness creeps out they work hard to shut it out
all their differences now laid aside
how we wish they and their darkness would go away
as we try to hide
At the end of the fight day has won over night
and the master has run to his clock
and the man from the box gives a curse as it fades
and his hand passes right through the lock
He seems mildly deranged and a little bit insane
as he screams at the star studded sky
but he is The Doctor and we'll obey
or we all shall die
But he says we are free and returns to his box
and it fades from our now empty hall
And we sigh with relief and a bit of disbelief
as the last weeks events we recall
And we've put the word out sent our messengers about
no more grandfather clock chimes will ring
they've been chopped up never to run again
o'er a time Lord bring

Marble Hornets: Masky and Hoody and Slendy, Oh MY!

You likely have not heard of it.  It doesn't have cute kittens saying funny things with a lisp.  It doesn't have a celebrity throwing a tantrum.  (See what I think of most of the people on the Internet? Like how I slipped that in? Except for you of course.  You're straight up!)

What it does have is an eclectic assemblage of settings, a group of young actors with varying degrees of talent, and some quite surprising pepperings of simple, yet effective visual scares.  You can watch it here.

The premise
Alex, a young college filmmaker, has written a script for a movie called Marble Hornets, which as near as I can figure hovers somewhere in the vicinity of Tommy Wisseau's The Room as far as dialogue and storyline go, with better talent and fewer cameras.  However, Alex's movie Marble Hornets isn't the focus of this Youtube Blair Witchian tale.  Several years ago, Alex gave away his mountains of tapes, dropped the project, and disappeared.

The real story begins when his friend Jay decides three years later to go through the tapes and finds that Alex was having some sort of paranoid break-down and, as Jay is drawn deeper and deeper into the life of his missing friend, seemed indeed to be tailed by a strangely proportioned, faceless man in a business suit.

Now, this would not have seemed odd to me if I had not been regaled for the past 2 years by my daughter with spooky stories of The Slender Man, an urban legend that somehow escaped my radar.  You can read about him here.

The players

Alex- Alex is an insufferable, superior nerd of the first order.  One of those people you run into who walks with his nose in the air and takes pride in his own ostracizing by the rest of the human race because he knows the names of all the red shirts in Star Trek. Although he disappeared three years prior to Jay finding the mystery on the tapes, he re-emerges as a great big geeky thorn in the side of his much cooler, much braver former colleague.

Jay- Jay is this average dude who happens to have a streak of what almost comes across as a good dose of noir detectivism in him.  He goes out into the wide, post-college world in search of Alex, and low and behold!, the other disappearing members of the cast and crew of Marble Hornets.

Masky- Now, this is not the official name of the character who turns up in odd places such as Jay's bedroom bureau in the middle of the night, burned-out husks of deserted houses, and remote forest locations.  He wears a very disturbing mask and has a way of turning his head that sends goosebumps scattering like cockroaches.  Take that as you will.

Jessica-Jessica is something of an enigmatic character.  When we first see Jessica, she is walking down a hallway in a hotel and appears not to know Jay beyond the fact that his name sounds familiar.  However, we realize much later (despite the fact that we were told the tapes were probably out of order) that this is not the first time Jay and Jessica have met.  Both are suffering long lapses in memory, have no idea how they got into this hotel, and are freaked out by the fact that they are the only 2 people there other than the staff who are strangely absent from screen.

Hoody- (or is it Hoodie?) Hoody is another enigma of the Marble Hornets saga.  For motives that are all his own, Hoody appears in the woods where Alex and Jay have apparently been followed by The Slender Man.  Jay drops his camera in fear and hot foots it out of there.  Knowing that the only key to Jay's survival now that he is involved is the footage, and the continuous filming of every noisy step he takes, a mysterious figure in a gray hooded sweatshirt is seen through the camera lens after having rescued the camera and deposited it into Jay's car for safe keeping.  Hoody, as he has been affectionately termed by his fans, turns toward the camera, pauses for effect, and disappears.  He, of course, has no face that is distinguishable beneath the hood from whence he gets his name.

The event

Over the course of several years and around 53 (so far) uploaded "entries", Jay unravels for us a convoluted tale of terror.  After his apartment building is burned down, Jay runs for the hills, only to discover that he is easily located by friend and foe alike.  He promptly wakes up in a hotel room to discover that  7 months of his life is missing and the key to it all is locked in a safe in his hotel room, to which he has forgotten the combination.

What we view on screen is the videotaped events as near in order as Jay can guess since most of them do not have dates or labels.  Jay finds himself on the tapes narrowly escaping situations with his life, finding all the missing people from the Marble Hornets film project, and totally ignoring what must be clues that will be picked up later on when the crew decides to continue the story.

The crazy thing about this whole Marble Hornets thing is that it has inspired spoof movies, fan fiction, Halloween costumes, motivational posters, watch-me-watching-entry-43 Youtube videos, and much much more.  Fans scour the 3- to 14-minute-long uploads for hidden clues, hidden faces, hidden signs of a dark and dismal future. And setting it all off is the strange and foreboding circle with an X through it called, inexplicably and ominously, "operator". There are even anime, crossdressing works of art starring the members of the Marble Hornets cast!

In conclusion, enjoyed alongside the uploads from the Youtube account "totheark" which seem to be official uploads from someone trying to goad Jay along, the Marble Hornets saga can be quite addictive.  I have no idea why I'm writing about it, though.  I can't tell you anymore about it without giving too much away.  But then, is there really much else to give away? A lot happens.  Or does it? I feel oddly compelled to share all this with someone.  Anyone.  And...I think I hear footsteps.